


Joy not far from here

by kaithartic (bluedreaming)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 01:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3433472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedreaming/pseuds/kaithartic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongin has always been there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Joy not far from here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lotusk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotusk/gifts).



> for my lovely Adele for your birthday I wrote you my first sukai. I didn't think I'd be able to do it but I did ♡ Thanks so much ren for helping me fix that part ☆彡 and kangaroo for being reassuring and listening to me whine

**Title:** Joy not far from here  
**Author:** bluedreaming  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** insinuations of suicide, implied age gap  
**Word count:** 2456 words  
**Author note:** for my lovely Adele for your birthday I wrote you my first sukai. I didn't think I'd be able to do it but I did ♡ Thanks so much ren for helping me fix that part ☆彡 and kangaroo for being reassuring and listening to me whine

 

The title and section divider texts come from [This isn't Everything You Are](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-Gljs8Y3Q8) by Snow Patrol.

 

They're lying, nested in the feather comforter, curled up around each other. Jongin can hear Junmyeon's heartbeat pattering against his skin, through layers of clothing, and it's too far away and yet so close he's breathless. Junmyeon's fingers curled into his palms, he lies there and tries to drink up all of Junmyeon's sorrow and grief and guilt with his body. _Please share your pain with me._

_and your friends keep calling, worried sick_

He knew there was something wrong when Junmyeon didn't reply to his text. Junmyeon was that one person with a life and lots of friends and a busy caring family and yet he somehow always made time for Jongin, no matter what. It was just a simple hi! What's up and yet after five hours he couldn't even pretend to not be worried. He didn't usually call — Junmyeon was his friend, not his boyfriend, he always had to remind himself — but the twisting in his stomach told him it was time to make an exception.

Pressing the call button was like finally admitting to himself that he _loved_ Junmyeon, not just liked, not just admired, not just cared for and respected. It was terrifying, but not as terrible as the message that the phone number no longer existed. 

The first thought he had of course was that Junmyeon had somehow found out about his one-sided love and decided to cut Jongin out of his life, even going so far as to change his phone, but after spinning himself into a tailspin of despair, he pulled himself out of the downward spiral by remembering that this was _Junmyeon_ he was thinking about. Junmyeon, the best friend/mentor/older brother figure he'd never had. Junmyeon would _never_ just cut him out like that, it would go against everything Jongin knew about Junmyeon and he had known Junmyeon for a very long time.

He messaged Kyungsoo. is Junmyeon okay? The answer he got back was short and decisive. 

no

_and in one little moment it all implodes_

Junmyeon's breathing is uneven as quiet sobs wrack his body, Jongin wraps his arms around the older man and hums into his ear, not words but more of a gentle _om_ , the sound when you're too high up in the mountains, separate from everything and yet somehow gloriously a part of everything, the sky and the ground and the rock humming in a terrestrial harmony. _I love you_ he doesn't say, letting his body speak for him, Junmyeon's head nestled on his arm, the wetness trickling onto his skin and slipping off to stain the pillowcase. It's been too long already and yet it's not enough at all. _Even if this is the only thing I can do for you..._

_you can't walk away, anyway_

The first time he met Junmyeon he was crying because his favourite action figure had somehow been run over by his older sister as she was practicing backing in and out of the driveway. He'd been embarassed, five years old felt too old to cry in public and yet he couldn't help it, dashing the frustrated tears away with a grubby hand because it was his fault the precious figure was ruined, his mom always reminded him to take better care of his toys and he'd messed up big time.

"What's wrong?" a voice had said, and Jongin had looked up to see an older boy, maybe fourteen or fifteen, crossing the street. His face turning red with embarrassment at being caught out, he'd turned away, shoulders hunched as he tried to hide the sobs he couldn't smother. The footsteps had drawn nearer and Jongin had wished with all his might that the ground open up and swallow him. He was sure the older boy was going to laugh at him any second.

"Oh, I have one of those!" the boy said, and Jongin spun around open-eyed before he could help himself.

"You do?" He hated the trembling in his voice but he couldn't help it.

"Yup!" the boy said, and ruffled his hair. "It's looking for a good home, do you think you could give it one?" Jongin nodded eagerly, forgetting about the tear tracks on his face, his eyes blinking back the wetness.

And later, action figure wrapped gently in his arms, Junmyeon, as he had introduced himself, looked at Jongin and said seriously, "You know it's okay to cry, right?"

Jongin, who'd been just stepping down the path, waving goodbye to Junmyeon's mom, stopped, confusion apparent on his face. "But I don't want to be a crybaby," he said, puzzled.

Junmyeon laughed, but even a five-year-old Jongin could hear the hint of sadness behind the smile. "There's no such thing as a crybaby," he said. "It's important to let the sad out, because if you bottle it up inside then you'll only end up hurting other people."

It was years before Jongin realized that Junmyeon was talking from personal experience. _Your brother._

_breathe deeply in the silence, no sudden moves_

"It's not your fault," Jongin finally whispers in Junmyeon's ear. It's been dark for hours and a cold breeze trickles in through the window standing ajar; Jongin shivers but he doesn't move from where he's wrapped around Junmyeon, keeping him safe. "You didn't have anything to do with it." He can feel Junmyeon take a deep shuddering breath, before he opens his mouth.

"But it is," he says. "It is." And Jongin doesn't know how to argue but he tries anyway.

"You already broke up three months ago," he hummed, running soothing fingers up and down the older man's arm. "It wasn't working out." _I hated seeing you like that._

"But what if I hadn't?" Junmyeon gasps. "He might still be alive!" Fresh tears roll down his face, but it's not a toy that's been broken and Jongin doesn't have any spares. He only has himself. _And I don't know if I'm enough._

_don't keel over_

Jongin always died a little inside when he saw Junmyeon with his boyfriends over the years, but he couldn't say anything, because they were just friends, not even classmates. Junmyeon was the brother he'd never had and he couldn't lose him. But every time Junmyeon broke up with the next boy, retreating into himself and hiding, first in his room, then his dorm, and then his apartment, snuggled up into blankets, Jongin was always the one who came over and picked up the pieces. 

"It's okay to cry," he always reminded Junmyeon. "That's what you told me." And Junmeyon would cry until he was all cried out, smiling weakly at Jongin as he sent him home, first to his mother, then to his course work, and finally to his apartment because "you have to wake up early" as Junmyeon stood alone in the doorway, fading into the distance as Jongin walked down the hall, not to his mother or his coursework or to his bed, but instead to a quiet corner where he could let the tears escape.

_Why am I never enough for you?_

By the morning he'd be smiling again though, as he messaged Junmyeon good morning! and made plans to meet up for lunch despite Junmyeon's protests that Jongin was too busy to be skipping off work, which was maybe true, but Junmyeon rated number one on Jongin's priority list, a fact which Jongin always told him and Junmyeon always brushed off as a joke.

"You're my number one important person," he said again, over eggs benedict and smoked salmon, sunlight drifting in the cafe windows to set Junmyeon's red-tinged hair ablaze. Junmyeon pouted at him, bottom lip sticking out like a child instead of a thirty-something-year-old, as Jongin liked to tease him, and brushed him off as usual.

"Save that for the person you love."

 _But I love you_ , Jongin didn't say, as he smiled at Junmyeon's happy laughter to hide the tears in his heart. The eggs were slimy in his mouth and he set the fork down, Junmyeon looking up in concern.

"Are you okay? I knew you should have gone home earlier last time, you probably didn't get enough sleep." Concern furrowed his brow and Jongin couldn't stand being the cause of any unhappiness.

"I'm okay," he said hurriedly, stuffing the eggs in his mouth and trying to hide his gag reflex. _I'm not okay._

_this isn't everything you are_

It's not sunrise, not for a bit yet, and Jongin wants to lie here with Junmyeon forever. This is the worst it's ever been, this is Junmyeon's brother all over again. Jongin wasn't there then, that was before he was born, but Kyungsoo has dropped bits and pieces over the years, he and Junmyeon haven't been best friends since elementary school for nothing.

"Why do you always let me know then?" Jongin asks, over and over again. Kyungsoo only looks at him and doesn't say anything. His eyes give away no secrets.

It's always Jongin wrapped around Junmyeon when the world falls apart and he's starting to realize that he can't do it anymore.

Junmyeon is finally dozing, it's the first time he hasn't made Jongin leave, and Jongin just lies next to him and thinks about the thing he wants so much and can't have.

 _What if you loved me instead?_ he doesn't ask, and for the first time he leaves a tiny kiss, the barest brush of lips over skin, on Junmyeon's cheek. The older man smiles faintly in his sleep, a sigh on the pillowcase as the tenseness in the muscles of his neck relaxes.

The sky is just beginning to pale.

_just take the hand that's offered, and hold on tight_

The first, last and only time Jongin tried to date someone he broke his own heart, but for the wrong reasons. He looked at Soojung and saw who she wasn't. He looked at his hands, and tried to figure out what he was doing. He messaged Junmyeon who sent little bits of encouragement and happy emojis and thought that he was doing the right thing.

"I like you," she'd said after class one day, eyebrows furrowed cutely but voice firm. "Will you go out with me?"

And Jongin had said yes.

Soojung was the kind of girl who pulled up in her Porsche carrera, shades on her eyes as she unfolded her long legs that drove all the guys crazy, stepping out on perfect manolo blahniks. She was bright and smart and could make him laugh when he was having a bad day but Jongin looked at her and saw someone else. Someone he wanted instead. But he knew that was impossible so he tried, he really did. He kissed her and if his nose got in his way or the cherry lipgloss she was wearing made him gag, he tried to hide it. He went to her dance recitals and picked her up from practise and remembered her birthday and gave her diamond earrings on her birthday because _diamonds are a girl's best friend, right_? He told her he loved her and tried to believe it.

So when she broke up with him after one semester, "you never really seemed to be emotionally invested," he was devastated, not because he was losing her but because he finally had to face the fact that he only loved Junmyeon.

Junmyeon hugged him and snuggled him in blankets like he was a child and they were back in his room, pretending not to be scared because they'd just watched The Ring. But this time the monster was Junmyeon and the longer Jongin relaxed in his embrace, the worse he felt. Finally he left, feigning a smile, and tried to stay away from Junmyeon but it was impossible. 

_I can't live without you._

He sent messages to Junmyeon without even realizing it; everything he did was connected to the older man in some way. And when Junmyeon fell apart he was always there to pick up the pieces before the older man left again, ruffling his hair as he went.

"Are you okay?" Kyungsoo asked one day, when they'd met up for coffee like they sometimes did and Junmyeon had gone first because of an appointment.

Jongin looked up from his steaming cup of hot chocolate because he still refused to drink coffee. "No," he said.

They sat in silence.

_there's joy not far from here, I know there is_

When Junmyeon finally wakes up, sun streaming through the windows, Jongin is in the kitchen making breakfast. He can hear the rustling from the bedroom, soft sighs as Junmyeon unfolds himself from the covers and shuffles to the hall. His heart is in his mouth. _What if he sends me home?_ He leans over the pan again, quickly finishing the last piece of french toast.

He can hear the footsteps down the hall and a faint intake of breath. Junmyeon has seen him. He turns around, tries to smooth his anxiety into a smile.

"Good morning!" he says brightly, and if his voice cracks it's hopefully hidden by the sizzling pan. Junmyeon just looks at him, silent, the breeze from the window playing across his face, ruffling his hair. Jongin doesn't know what to say, spatula hanging uselessly from his hand. 

"You're still here," Junmyeon says quietly. Jongin nods.

"You're still here," Junmyeon repeats, as if to himself. He brings up one hand, curls it over his chest, and Jongin can't help it anymore, even if it ruins everything.

"I'd always be here," he says. "I'd always be here if you let me." The words slip out of his mouth like nails unfastening his coffin. He's not sorry, all of a sudden, and it makes him brave, spatula slipping out of his fingers to land with a muted clatter on the tile floor. The blood is racing in his ears.

Junmyeon is still standing here and he's not saying anything. There are a million words in his eyes but Jongin can't read them; he's too far away. It smells like smoke.

"Do you really mean that?" Junmyeon finally asks, his voice barely a whisper. There are still tear tracks on his face and his eyes are puffy but he's so beautiful Jongin can barely breathe. His throat is choked and his can't find the words but he answers by stepping forward to enfold the older man in his arms, hesitating just a moment before Junmyeon sinks into his chest.

Jongin answers by laying the gentlest of kisses on Junmyeon's neck and this time he's awake, freezing for a second as Jongin's heart races — _will he pull away?_ — but Junmyeon only wraps his arms around Jongin's back and it's enough, it really is, but Junmyeon asks, voice muffled in the fabric of Jongin's shirt.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

And they stand there, wrapped around each other, as the last pieces of french toast burns to a crisp and scorches the bottom of the pan and Junmyeon doesn't make him leave.

It's going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> The title and section divider texts come from [This isn't Everything You Are](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-Gljs8Y3Q8) by Snow Patrol.


End file.
